8 September 2010
Cars That Bounce By Themselves: An Asperger Approach
One of the drawbacks of living in a remote place is that we get cars parked at the top of the track leading down to the house that seem to bounce around, all on their own. I wouldn’t mind except that the occupants of the bouncing car clearly think that our track also doubles as a public tip and they generally leave their rubbish behind. The usual leftover accoutrements to a romantic stay include tissues, condoms, coffee cups, and cigarette packets but we have also found a baby’s bib, which I thought was taking protection a little too far.
So it was with sinking heart that I returned from walking the dog one afternoon (we’ll call him Mabon, since that’s his name) to find another bouncing car enjoying the scenery at the top of our track. Or rather not enjoying the scenery as it was pouring with rain and all the windows had steamed up.
Not wanting to just squeeze past the car without at least making my presence known, I swung open the driver’s door to find said driver in a state of some exertion with a woman straddling his lap. They looked rather surprised to be interrupted so I said a cheery ‘Hello’ to put them at their ease. I then asked if maybe they were waiting for me since they had parked at the top of the track to my house.
The couple clearly considered me completely insane and they mumbled a negative response. Oh, I replied, perhaps it was engine trouble they were having. Apparently it wasn’t.
Just then Mabon bounded up to say hello. Now Mabon is not a small dog. Reaching chest height on most people, he stuck his entire upper body into the car. Given that it was pouring with rain, this caused a small waterfall to run across the interior. At the appearance of Mabon, the woman, as delicately as she was able to under the circumstances, extracted herself for the man’s lap and moved to the passenger side of the car. This had the effect of leaving her partner’s rapidly wilting manhood flapping around like an epileptic sausage inches away from Mabon’s mouth.
With a feeding instinct stretching back to the primeval wolf, Mabon lunged, just as the man covered his now peanut-sized manhood with his partner’s top. The snap of Mabon’s jaws echoed across the valley as his head, fuelled by unstoppable trajectory, came to land in the man’s lap. Now, if you were that close to a dog who had just attempted to bite your dick off, you’d probably be extremely nice and so the man was, giving Mabon a kindly pat and remarking what a good dog he was. The woman, dressing herself on the passenger seat, was silent. Maybe she wasn’t a dog person.
Having now thoroughly flooded the inside of the car and almost emasculated its owner, to say nothing of the initial coitus interruptus, I thought the time had come to depart. Offering a cheery ‘Goodbye’ and remembering to add the usual ‘Nice to have met you’ (such things do not come naturally to an Asperger person so I hope they appreciated the effort) I dragged the now salivating Mabon out of the vehicle and gently closed the door.
Almost at once, I heard the woman’s high-pitched voice berating her partner and, despite the windows still being completely steamed up, the car drove away. I do hope the driver zipped himself up first. And, funnily enough, they have never been back. Shame really, after all the effort I put into getting to know them.